The End of the World might very well happen twice this year, or more! SubGenius Clenches from around the world and across the universe are coming together to celebrate the End Times and total obliteration of planet Earth! Finally, the Space Brothers from Planet X are going to arrive and gun down all Pinks who failed to pay "Bob" his money!
These Pinks will be churned and baked into "Bob's" Best Blend, a spiritual element to feed the Elder Gods, thus giving JHVH1 and his gang of Rebel Gods the chance to pay off their debts, which in turn fulfills the prophecy of The Rupture, which fulfills "Bob's" promise to us fully paid SubGenii, which in turn means the Eschaton will be Immeninized, which means the Elder Gods and Rebel Gods will be defeated and finally vanquished, which means the entire Timeline of the ENTIRE MULTIVERSE will be rebooted!!
The REAL X-Day! (RX-Day, "2022") + DIY X-Day ("2022")
I have been neglectful of this blog for some time now, but I have a good reason; I have been perpetually stoned since RX-Day, in June.
I'm a city boy, so my experience with camping in any capacity is null, so I bought a $40 tent, brought a pillow and blanket, and figured that was all I needed. For once I was right. All other accommodations were provided by the RX-Day cabal, and Mother Nature herself.
With no recollection of how I got there, I found myself at The Real X-Day (or, RX-Day) this year by way of Rev. Prof. Trixie Von Mothersbaugh, Rev. Sir Loin, and Nexpir (Nixper? Neepir??? I honestly can't remember how to spell his name; cool guy tho). I met up with them in the Catskills and we drove *somewhere* to get to the appropriate campsite to enjoy the end of the world. The organizer of this event, the incredibly hospitable and mysterious (also incredibly inebriated) man known solely as, The Senator. Good dude by my estimation, lots of fun to chat with, and his cabal of ninja assassins was pretty good too. You could barely see them skulking in the shadows.
One thing I really loved about the campsite was seeing all the weird bugs I've never seen before. I woke up one morning and saw this beautiful translucent slug. Cutest booger I've ever seen.
One of the great joys of RX-Day was being able to witness the mind-boggling answerfest that was The Ask Dr. Hal Show!Dr. Hal was of course answering questions, Pontious Pressure was co-hosting, and Saint Joyce was there gathering questions from the curious crowd of people who had questions and the money to pay for the appropriate answers. There was poetry of all sorts, funny retorts, stories about the origins of the show, and an auction for Dr. Hal's rare book about the true nature of missing socks!
There was all sorts of bands playing genres of music I had never heard live before. Every genre of music under the sun, and even some new genres never dared played by mortals before this very event! The gods were upset with us playing and listening to these sacred and secret notes of music, so they dropped a shit-ton of rain on us during most of the event. It's fine tho, all the rain and mud did was remind us of our primitive SubGenius nature, and sure we complained a lot, but we also groaned a lot as well, so I guess it evened out.
If I can get the band list from The Senator (or whomever) I will update this post with links to all of them. I was pretty stoned, and it's been a few months, so my memory is hazy at best. I do remember Rubix Pube though! They were a lot of fun.
Here is the goodies and treasure box filled with Rubix Pube merch. I purchased a CD and a lighter from them. I'm not sure what genre of music you'd call them tho. Something like eldritch spazz metal-grunge, or something like that would be my guess, but they describe themselves as Mountain-Based Mutant Rock which is probably a better description.
Here I am during my "Bobtism" wherein I rededicate myself to the SubGenius Forbidden Sciences, reclaim my Yeti heritage, and try not to fall over like a stoned log as Dr. Hal pours a cup of water on my noggin. With so many of my SubGenius family doing this together, it was really something to behold. Just a bunch of sweaty, wet, drunk weirdos screaming out their incredible church names; it was an incredible feeling.
So yeah, we did kill and burn the "Bob" effigy, as per "Bob's" own instructions. The wretched blood-curling screams coming from the flames will haunt my dreams for the rest of eternity. Probably the coolest souvenir ever. I threw in another Dobbshead printout into the flames to really make sure "Bob" was dead. As "Bob" burned we danced, drank, sang songs, and drank some more.
SO! As you probably guessed, the world didn't end yet. BUT! That doesn't mean that The Real X-Day WASN'T the REAL X-DAY. No no, you rube. It WAS! It's just there was this glitch in the matrix, subterranean forces messed with the equilibrium of the stars, The Senator's ankle chakra got fudged up, and the aliens that were mean to destroy the earth arrived AFTER RX-Day! Ya see, it was all a scheduling snafu, but next year for sure!
As a consolation for the world not ending, I did manage to find some Mountain Dew flavors I never tasted before. They kept me sustained and caffeinated during my trip.
One the way back from RX-Day, Prof. Trixie and her Mutants Unite cabal and I began planning next years trip to RX-Day (if there is one I mean, the last one was the REAL Real X-Day of course). And an amazing thing happened, a visage of Jesus appeared under my slice of pizza! Praise "Bob"!
It was a really fun trip. Many thanks to The Senator for putting this shindig together, and a million thank yous to Prof. Trixie and the Mutants Unite crew, my friends from Diaspora, and anyone else who was there.
Next time, part 2: my trip to Chile!
UPDATE: I nearly forgot to mention the traditional X-Day, this year known as DIY X-Day! ... the saucers didn't show up again, and some of us met on Discord to complain about it. NEXT YEAR FOR SURE!!!
HAPPY JULY 4TH! Enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow IS X-DAY! THE RUPTURE IS NIGH! JHVH-1 APPROACHES!
If "Bob" doesn't have your money already, it might very well be too late! The Conspiracy is trying it's best to intercept the transmissions from Dimension X, but, the Xists will still arrive to swoop up and save the ordained and righteous SubGenii who have paid their dues! JHVH-1 himself will punch the shit out of the Earth and destroy it, along with all the Pinks who have even annoyed us slightly!
YOU COULD HAVE JOINED US! SUPEIOR MUTANTS DESTINED TO JOIN THE GODS IN THE STARS! But now there is no escape, unless, you go to www.subgenius.com and purchase an ordainment kit right now! There might still be hope!
For those of you who will be smashed by the mighty Fists of JHVH-1, you have my pity. But you also had it coming to you, because, you're all a bunch of smelly jerks. I mean really, the truth was right there the whole time but you let other fool you when you could have just made a fool of yourself like we chose to do.
Dobbspeed to you all. As for me, I'll be on the Pleasure Saucers on my way to Dimension X! I know that X-Day has failed for like 30-plus years, but, THIS TIME FOR SURE!!
As X-day crawls closer and closer, so does The Conspiracy. Every second of every waking moment is overshadowed by this all intrusive force that prevents us from enjoying our existence as we want to. They, The Con, are nigh-invincible, but even they cannot withstand the power and onslaught of JHVH-1 and an armada of Xists.
This year might very well be 1998! And next month, on the 5th of July, THE WORLD MIGHT FINALLY BE RUPTURED.
The Con knows this, and because they're a bunch of shitheads, they want to prevent all ordained members of The Church of the SubGenius from being saved by the Pleasure Saucers. The traps of The Con are everywhere, and they take on many disguises.
The other day I received a suspicious phone call from The United Nations. I did not answer of course, I mean, why would I. I'm sure the voice on the other side was indeed some nefarious agent of The Con, possibly the Men in Black, trying to entrap me via my own smartphones WiFi! These cannibals would do away with all of us before X-Day, so be wary.
Join The Church of the SubGenius! Save yourself!
But I am not unarmed. In my life I have been many things, but I have never been unloved. I was recently sent items that will help fight the conspiracy. These are artifacts of ultimate Slack and I am eternally grateful to the persons who sent them my way. These items I will treasure always.
My dear friend Stephanie sent me these amazing items, handcrafted by way of her amazing talent:
First, this ceramic/glass portrait of what I believe is her true likeness, harnessing the power of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs very own frop pipe! The first thing I noticed about this item was how hefty it was; it's very heavy and the detail is amazing. I mean that, the pictures don't do it justice at all. I'm sure having this will act as the perfect shield against any enemy transmissions or laser beams transmitted by secret Conspiracy satellites.
Stephanie also sent over this portable alien-hybrid power stone! A talisman for love, fortune, and wisdom. Also good at chucking at the faces of the Men in Black.
A homemade Drump voodoo doll! I'm not sure if I'll end up using this at any point, but, It will look good on my shelf next to my Rudy Giuliani voodoo doll!
... Maybe I will try out these dolls when given the right moment.
A handful of amazing stickers. Some of these are already on my computer.
Some VERY tasty candy.
Another amazing package was sent to me by none other than Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite, mayor of Dobbs.Town. The good doctor prescribed to me these amazing books.
The first, "Outbursts of Everett True", is a long lost character of amazing fortitude and strength. Everett is a normal man, but he reacts to normal annoyances in dramatic and near superhuman ways. A true her in every respect, Everett True is the bully who bullies bullies. You kick a dog; he'll kick you through a wall! You scare a kid with a knife; he'll slice off your ear! I mean, c'mon, that's just amazing. Everett True is the ideal man of justice in someways, coming from an era where punching a guy was considered swift justice. None of that high ground bullshit, the "Outbursts of Everett True" is a training manual on how to react to injustice in all it's forms.
The second book is also interesting to me because it is The Enchiridion by Epictetus. I'm a philosophy major, so I am of course familiar with this book on basic human decency and moral thinking. Epictetus is one of my favorite thinkers of his time, but I don't think I've ever known The Enchiridion itself ( I do have other books by Epictetus though).
What makes this version particularly special is it has four different English translations of The Enchiridion. If you've never read this book in any of it's forms, here's a quick run down; simply put it is a series of guidelines on how to react and reflect on your actions when dealing with people or peoples in society. Like Everett True, Epictetus is trying to teach readers how to live a moral life. It is non-secular if I remember correctly; Epictetus does talk about God/gods in his other works but in this one I think he keeps his feet on terra firma and simply wants to relate to people on a one-to-one level.
A Man of Letters
Another important thing to note is that this copy of The Enchiridion has been published, I believe, under the imprint of A Man of Letters, which was a podcast series about literature that lasted about 5 years. If I'm not mistaken, Dr. Canobite himself was the host. Click the image above to hear a reading from The Enchiridion.
And yesterday, during a fishing expidition in my neighborhood, my partner and I found some amazing treasures. There were all these statues of Hindu deities scattered around the area. We had no idea what was going on, but thought since we didn't catch any fish, we could at least give these gods a new home.
Then later I found out that the reason these statues were cast away is because they were probably used in some sort of ceremony and were no longer needed. Apparantly fishing them out of the water is a bad omen.
Well, whoops. Oh well, I'm still going to keep them unless I hear from my Hindu friends. If I have to bring them back to the bay I will, but for now they will be a part of my window altar alongside Hotei and my Tiki.
Below are the pictures from this fishing trip.
"Maggots" (2017)
I found this movie called "Maggots" the other day, and it was lots of dumb fun. There's this whole backstory about a galactic war, a CIA cover-up, and mutant monsters that resemble maggots eating a huge portion of the Earth population, but most of that doesn't come into play. It's mostly about this one small town where the Maggots return after their meteor crash lands. They go around eating random citizens, talking in a strange Chipmunk-like voice, and generally just being real horrible creatures.
I was rooting for them the whole time.
Now normally, I'd post a trailer alongside all the stuff here, but I couldn't find any. I mean I did, and I found the poster (above) but they look like they're from a different Maggot movie. The YouTube trailer has a different director name listed than the one for the IMDB. One is for 2007, and the one I watched is for 2017
I dunno man, I was really stoned while watching this flick, all I can tell you is that I loved it. And I guess I have to find this OTHER movie called Maggots that has similar looking creatures, except in CGI rather than puppets.
Whatever movie I watched though, I have to emphasize, I really enjoyed it.
Battle Bots (also known as "Robo War") (2018)
This is a pretty generic post-apocalyptic movie, but, it's just so likeable because there was no budget involved. All the costumes, and I mean ALL the costumes, were purchased at a Halloween store. I can almost guarantee that. There is not one decent costume among the entire cast and I wouldn't have it any other way.
There ARE giant robots in this movie, at least two, and those costumes are pretty good I guess. I say that, but they still look ridiculous.
So the plot; after a nuclear apocalypse, a cult that worships robots fights against a group of rebels who are tired of their shit, and who also have access to a giant robot. The giant robots fight, and the movie ends. That's more or less the whole story, it was difficult to pay attention. I feel like this would have been a better novel or comic book. As a movie it's fine, but it's so dialogue heavy and there aren't enough action scenes, mutants, or monsters to keep my me too interested. I still watched the whole thing though, it was only 67 minutes long.
This movie was apparently directed and written by Mark Polonia, who is a pretty legendary z-grade movie director. I'm a little surprised actually; normally he has a lot of fun creatures or effects in his films. This movie isn't terrible by any means, but it's missing a bit of zest.
I couldn't find a trailer for Robo War/Battle Bots, so here's some footage from "Saurians" (1994)
My chief engineer Sono (@sonoyourface on Twitter) designed for me this beautiful escape vessel for when doomsday finally arrives. Ah yes, the much talked about and prophesized X-day of SubGenius lore, where that bratty shithead alien monster JHVH-1 smashes down his mighty Stark Fist of Removal to kill all the pinks and destroys the Earth! All members of the Church of the SubGenius will of course be saved and taken to Planet X, in Dimension X, where the Xist Sex Goddesses will pleasure us in ways that will drive us insane!
It'll be a good day. And what makes it better is that I now have this beautiful, hamburger-like UFO to fly away in. As you can see, it is the most advanced UFO of its kind that $20 can buy. Sono herself isn't a member of the Church, but I promised to store her away in the trunk when X-Day occurs.
As X-Day approaches, you should start thinking seriously in investing in your own eternal salvation! Give to the Church, save yourself, get revenge on those who have wronged you, and finally regain the Slack that was stolen from you!! You only have until July 5th!!
New Belial Figure by Phantasma
Phantasma Collectibles has made the Belial figure of my DREAMS. It's perfect! Sadly, this week bills are due, but next week I'll be able to order this perfect little Belial. The Basket Case series are some of my favorite films. I NEED this figure for my collection or I will most definitely die. DIE I SAY.
Platypossum (Film)
Platypossum is more fun than it has any right to be. Beautiful stop-motion effects on the titular Platypossum, a a clear moral message against hydrofracking. In a sense it's not too dissimilar to the 1954 or 1998 Godzilla movies insofar as Platypossum is a simple creature who doesn't really mean any harm, but is simply the end result of the over-interference of man on nature.
Platypossum is also a gross-out comedy though, and there are some scenes that really took me by surprise. But I'm a sucker for a creature feature, and this was loads of fun. We need more Z-Grade creature features.
Monster Island films
So to coincide with the new Godzilla film (I assume), SyFy released a movie called Monster Island, which is of course all about Kaiju. It looks like a lot of fun, and I can't wait to see it when I can. I don't own a television so I missed the premiere.
It also reminded me of another movie with the same title made back in 2003 from MTV. It's a send off on old 1950's b-movies, and it stars Carmen Electra and Adam West. I don't think this movie had any kind of theatrical release, but I remember monster kids and creature feature fans thought it was pretty good. I did as well actually, and I loved seeing Adam West as a sort of mad scientist.
Star Raiders: The Adventures of Sabre Raine (Film)
Lastly, my best pal took me to see Rifftrax and the riffing of the amazing Scifisploitation film, Star Raiders: The Adventures of Sabre Raine! WHAT A GREAT FILM!
I mean that, I had a blast. Star Raiders was a fun movie, even if it was pretty cringe worthy. I loved the special effects, the characters, and especially the villain Sinjin who is just the best.
I feel like there's potential for there to be a fandom for Star Raiders, and eventually it will find its audience.
I love it. I genuinely really enjoyed it, and I think fans of classic serials and sci-fi films will find some sort of enjoyment in it as well.
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